hey
its been along time since i came on here, busy with stuff and all, high school dramas, i only really post now when i feel upset and need someone to talk to but sometimes its hard saying stuff out loud because you cry and stutter and it just doesn’t work.
I am currently dating guy number one :) he is perfect except my friends hate him and the tell me how much of a freak he is most off the time and the one friend who is is very opinionated says she is happy for me, it sucks that the one outspoken friend can be happy for me while the rest all complain. I’m not aloud to bring him to town with us and he isn’t aloud to hang with them, every time we hang out they check to make sure he isn’t coming.
And then there is my mother, I am pretty sure she hates me.
All she ever tells me is that its not good enough, nothing is ever good enough for her, i tell her something and she is like but you could have done better, nothing I ever do seems ok. She checks my facebook page, she looks at all the things I have said and looks through my friends stuff. My own mother cant even trust me when I have done nothing wrong. She can also be a hypocrite, the other day her and one of my friends mums were talking about how parents should let their kids make their own choices so they don’t fly off the rails when they are older. The next day we were talking about the drinking age and she told me i wasn’t aloud to drink until i was 18. I am like isn’t that my choice and she was like no its my choice and its illegal because you are under 18. So i said so i don’t even get a choice in what i do, and she is like no. All i could think about was what she and Rachel’s mum were talking about and how hypocritical it was. My sister has told me stories about how she got drunk with my mother when she was 15/16 and all i could think about was what happened to her. The stories my sister tells me about how fun her and mum used to have together makes me jealous because yea it seems a lot like she likes my sister a lot more than she will ever like me.
My father also spent more time with my sister than he ever did me and my sister isn’t even his, she tells me about how when she was younger how he used to sneak her down to the lounge at night to watch the wrestling, he was there for about 7 years of her life but he cant come and see me on weekends. He left as soon as he found out mum was pregnant from what i have heard. He could raise my sister but not me. He comes on Christmas, bday and Easter and gives me money and then leaves I might also see him a couple of other times in a year, maybe once or twice and I make that sound ok but the truth is i just want to spend time with him, get to know my father.
I know my mum and my dad do love me and I love them but most of the time it doesn’t seem like it and its hard. I have friends who complain that their parents wont leave them alone and wont stop hugging them and all i cant think about is how i wish my parents would do that.
It feel like i ruined my mums life, if she hadn’t got pregnant with me dad would never have left and she would be a lot happier, it feels like i ruined her life and sometimes i wish i could go back in time and wish i was never born.
I wish i was strong enough to tell my mum all of this but I’m to scared and i always will be
